complex elements

i am sitting in my room and my window is open, which just so happens to be right beside my desk. how ironic that the place i would rather be, is a place that i can always see, when im locked up in my room? yet, i am forced to sit here, to be civilized. the world right now is so mesmorizing. the wind, the rain, the thunder and lighting. i love it, all of it. the weather is wonderful. i have always loved it, ever since i was child. as i sit here listening to it, my mind wonders to many different subjects. it wonders because, when the earth is like this, i feel like its free. free from the strict routine of a daily schedule. this is the time that has no limits, knows no boundaries. there are no laws that can contrict its actions. the control goes to the hands of the one who made it. the one that controls all things. i love the weather, its unpredictable and mysterious. its all the things i would love to be that i am not. but i can sit here, and be intrigues by it, for that i am thankful. to be able to be apart of something so terrifyingly wonderful. i am also thankful for the position that my dorm is to the outside. i am on the fourth floor and i look down into a beautiful, ancient tree. the leaves continue to be green, even though its winter. no, it is not a one tree, but it is interesting how the leaves did not change with the rest. to use the corny phrase, maybe its a "late bloomer." i will keep a watch. the only bad thing about this weather, is that there are no stars. no light source, pitch black darkness. but even in the darkest of nights, one can always find light. <3

FEARLESS & LOVE

fearless.

the very word that i strive to be.

bold, brave, and without fear.

but i just realized that if i lived without fear, i wouldnt need GOD or people to be in my life.

i may live with fear, but i should never be afraid, because GOD is always there to hold me in his arms.

i miss the comfort i felt there.

i am still there, but i have loosened the grip of his arms on my life.

he will never let go, but i can stray away.

because i am weak.

so much weaker than he is, weak enough to walk away from he who loves me the most.

not only weak, but dumb, too.

but the thing is, he will always welcome me back no matter how dumb i can be.

i dont understand how some can live without ever knowing such a wonderful GOD.

what feels the void in their heart?

the vast, unknowing hole, that is always there.

i guess some try and feel the void with things of this world.

stupid, meaningless things, i know that ive done it, but never knowing the joy that i feel, its sad.

i cannot fully comprehend...

but that is why we are told to "go yee therefore..."

and i have tried, not hard enough, but that is a goal that i have.

to stop thinking only of my stupid self, and think of others in need of some love in their life.

everybody needs some love in their life, and if i can introduce it to somebody, then i feel that is a great accomplishment!!!

love to everybody <3

family, friends, and home

i am complete.
and i am only complete because i am where i am truly myself...home.
i have missed this place terribly.
maybe more than i ever realized.
maybe its something that i couldnt fully diagnos the depth of until actually being here.
being in this place.
while yes, this place is crazy, it is still my home.
here, it can never be fully quiet.
never fully still.
it is chaotic, but in this chaos that i call home, i can truly find peace.
a peace that isnt only my life, it is the very definition of my life.
a sort of haven in this mixed up world.
though sometimes more mixed up that the outside world could ever be, it is familiar.
a place that i can find answers to any questions that i am faced with.
a place that my heart will forever be.
it is not only a place full of family, but a place where special friends will always be waiting.
we will always meet here, the place that brought us together.
the place that holds our special bonds that we have, tight in its grasp.
as long as we meet here, we will always have each other, no matter where our adventures take us.
no matter where our desires roam, we will always be together, but apart.
i leave with a quote about friendship...
"When true friends meet in adverse hour;
'Tis like a sunbeam through a shower.
A watery way an instant seen,
The darkly closing clouds between."- Sir Walter Scott

Change...

"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future."

- John F. Kennedy

I am open to change. I used to be closed off to it, afraid somehow. Afraid of the differences that i would see in myself or others around me. I was afraid of the differences that others would see in me, as well. I feared the unknown, the unfamiliar. I have never voiced my fears before. But, now i can because these fears that once inhabited my body are no longer a reality. They are gone, blown away by a sudden mysterious confidence that came out of no where. The source of this so called confidence is undetermined. I will not seek out the orgin, but i will say thankyou. Thankyou for getting me to realize that no matter what happens, i am never truly alone, there is always someone with me that cares. And in this knowledge, i have come to realize that i should not hide from things that are to come. Things that will come, that cannot be stopped. For example, growing up. I have always wanted to stay a high schooler, but that was only because i did not know about certain things that would be waiting on me in college. I never wanted responsibility or independence. But now that its here, im not so closed off to it. While yes, there are certain aspects of growing up that arent so exciting, there are many many more good things that can come from the dreaded adult years. Life, and dare i say love. I have not found this love that others so frequently boast about, but i am hopeful that one day, i will experience it. Ive heard great things about it, things that im not sure that i am ready for, but then again, who am i to decide. It is not up to me. Maybe i am ready... i have always felt as though i were made to love and to be loved. I love the concept of love. And not only the romantic love, all kinds. I am built to love and i am full with compassion for others. I just dont know. I am now open to new experiences, to new concepts on most subjects, but there is one that i will continue to be steadfast about and that is of course Jesus Christ. Though i have decided to be open, i will never change my views on my Christian beliefs. From that belief stems my love for love and compassion. Without that, i would not be the person that i was made to be. And for that, i will always be grateful. I am now grateful for change, because like the quote from above, if i were not subject to change and i focused continually on the past and present, i could miss out on all the wonderful experiences in store for my future. Yes, i do realize that i have dug deep during this post, but i felt like i needed to say these things. Maybe for your benefit, but most definitely for my own. I feel so much better now. Thanks for reading, i love you.

if only...

if only there was a guy that could be my romeo...

i feel like im the only one that doesnt have one.

i keep waiting and waiting and im still waiting.

i hope that there is someone out there for me...

and the thing is, i really dont want to hear that i just need to be patient.

people keep telling me that he will get here, but what if he doesnt?

guys especially keep telling me that i wont be alone, that i will find someone.

what if im meant to be alone?

i dont want to be alone...

i dont think anybody really wants to be alone, but i guess it really doesnt matter what people want.

people just get what they are given, and i guess that i have to accept that.

but i wonder...

randomness...

hello.
it is really really cold outside and i absolutely love it!
this is what i call football weather...roll tide.
im so ready for the game, i just cant stand it.
im sitting here with stevi in my dorm room waiting on 4:00 to get here.
because thats when elephant stomp begins at 5:00. yay!!!
anyway, roll tide roll!!!
=]

If only it were this simple...

we were both young
when i first saw you
i close my eyes and the flashback starts
im standing there on a balcony of summer air see the lights,
see the party the ball gowns
i see you make your way through the crowd
you say hello little did i know
that you were romeo you were throwing pebbles
and my daddy said stay away from juliet
and i was crying on the staircase begging you please don’t go,
and i said romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
i’ll be waiting all theres left to do is run
you’ll be the prince and i’ll be the princess
its a love story baby just say yes
so i sneak out to the garden to see you
we keep quiet because we’re dead if they know
so close your eyes lets keep this down for a little while
cause you were romeo i was a scarlet letter
nd my daddy said stay away from juliet
but you were everything to me and i was begging you please don’t go
and i said romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
i’ll be waiting all theres left to do is run
you be the prince and i’ll be the princess
its a love story baby just say yes
romeo save me,
they try to tell me how to feel this love is difficult,
but its real don’t be afraid we’ll make it out of this mess
its a love story baby just say yes,
Oh, oh I got tired of waiting wondering if you were ever coming around
my faith in you was fading when i met you on the outskirts of town,
and I said romeo save me i’ve been feeling so alone
i keep waiting for you but you never come
is this in my head, i don’t know what to think
he knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said
marry me juliet you’ll never have to be alone
i love you and thats all I really know
i talked to your dad go pick out a white dress
its a love story baby just say yes
oh, oh, we were both young when i first saw you...

i have always been an optimistic person, but lately ive been a little pessimistic toward love. i know, i know, my time will come, right? but... what if it doesnt?
so, i am left wondering...