ugh, roommates...

I dont understand.
How can somebody be so self-centered and inconsiderate?
I would never in my wildest dreams think that somebody could be that way.
I would never ever do that to anybody.
I am fed up with this, no more.
I will take care of this, i might not be very nice, but i have to do something.
I do not like being taken advantage of, and its not happening again.
I rarely have arguments with people, but i need to have one.
Ugh, i still just cant understand this.

bad mood, but hopefully getting better

i am in a very very bad mood.

i have had a bad day.

i have a headache.

i slept for three hours, so i probably wont sleep tonight.

im about to go to the REC.

so maybe i'll be able to work out all of the bad frustration.

i sure hope so.

im going with jen and steph.

so maybe i'll be in a better mood.

"if you wanna be my lover..."

gotta love the spice girls.

i know that that is very random.

but im trying to get in a better mood, so why not listen to spice girls? lol.

things to look forward to:

1.no class tomorrow, thank goodness.

me and jen boycott "mr. earth is round's" class when it rains.

there is just no point to going.

he is dumb and has no clue what he's doing.

and honestly i dont want to have to listen to a thirty minute lecture on why its raining outside.

im not even kidding, he does that.

then he will proceed to explain some other stupid subject.

2. i love my second family more than anything, except for my blood family.

they are amazing and the only reason im not severely pissed off right now.

but everythings gonna be ok because i have great things in my life.

be happy be happy... whay is it so hard???

ugh...maybe everything will be better when i go to the REC.

fear

why should i be afraid?

what do i have to be afraid of?

rejection...

but the things that he says, he is just so sweet.

how would he hurt me?

how could he hurt me?

why would he hurt me?

i just dont know what to do...

im just gonna have to have faith.

i have trust issues, yes.

but, this is different, ive never had this to happen to me.

what if he thinks im ugly or not right for him?

hes seen my pics online, so....

i guess that if he doesnt like me, i'll be able to get over it.

ive dont it before.

gotten over heartache.

i know that im young, but i want love.

i want to find it as soon as possible.

i know that sounds weird, but i dont care anymore.

im not ready to get married, unless its fate.

but, if this is THE guy, then who knows?

i hope that everything works out.

which way? i dont know. lol.

im just gonna go with the flow and see what happens.

but i am happy though.

love

"Love is like war... easy to fall in. hard to get out. impossible to forget."

i found this quote in photobucket and it spoke to me. i dont really know why, but its amazing...dont you think? it sums war and love up in one line. many writers and poets have tried to do just that, but they have never been able to...until now. i dont know who coined this phrase first, but whoever did has been the very first person to even begin to understand the meaning of love and war. though some would say that love and war have nothing to do with each other, they do according to this quote. they have a lot in common, they are both frustrating and impowering. they can be sad and depressing. i hope that once i fall in love, if i do, that it will be like this quote says it is. i never want to forget the felling of love because i havr heard that its amazing. i want to fall in love... but i will be patient, as always. =]

my life is amazing

i am so happy.
i dont really know why.
i have some great friends, and im doing well in my classes.
i love the cold weather, and the sun is out today.
im working out almost everyday.
i have a job thats fun, well most of the time.
i have a guy that likes me a lot, but im not telling anyone because, i just want to see how it will work out.
im not stressed out like last semester.
i have time to think.
the only complaint i have is, i wish that i would sleep better at night.
but even thats ok, because ive been having some good dreams lately.
i love all of my rommates so much.
i love my second family too.
i have one more complaint, i miss my family terribly.
i dont get to go home because of work and classes.
but im going to invite them down in a couple of weekends.
i am so blessed with everything that i have going on in my life. thanks GOD. <3

crazy

is everybody going crazy?

i think so.

the world today if full of jealousy hate.
though it might go unnoticed sometimes, we all have these tendicies inside us.

to do the wrong thing, it happens.

but, the thing about life is... we can move past what is normal into something far more difficult.

the difficulty arises when we try to do what is right when all we want to do is wrong.

i listened to a simple plan song for the first time tonight and it got me thinking about whats important in life.

the songs name is crazy.

Peace

I am so happy right now!
My life is full of peace and harmony for once.
I am not worried about anything at the moment.
I can just live.
Its a great feeling!!!
I have a job, its on the weekends, and its really late at night, but i dont really care because its money.
I am so excited.
=]

my idea

i came up with an idea the other day.

first, i will explain what got me thinking.

every thursday, in my english class, we are to write a sort of column that could be used in the newspaper. the minimum length is one page, doublespaced. there is no topic range. when i first heard about this, i was very excited because many times in my life i have wondered what it would be like to be a journalist and now is my chance, but there is one little catch, we have to read them in front of the entire class. i am not a very good public seaker. my heart rate goes up and my adrenaline starts pumping through my body. the sad thing is, i know that its happening, i can feel it. but, i am looking forward to it in a way, because it will be a big challenge, and i love challenges. i take to them really well, even though they sometimes involve things that i am scared to do. it will help me and prepare me for events in the future, so i will do this to the best of my ability.

now, back to the reason on my writing in the first place. my idea. it came to me the day that i learned that i would have to speak in front of everyone. i opened my eyes to my surroundings and i wondered what would happen if i just sat still in a central location and did just that. observe people. what would i see? good or bad? people rushing by without a glance, or people watching whats happening around them?

hopefully, i will see things that impress and surprise me. maybe, somebody throwing away trash in the can where its supposed to be, or somebody being courteous to others. i have hope that it will put my faith back in people. because, i have seen such bad things, i want to see some good. i know that there is good and bad in everyone including myself, but maybe i'll see a little more good.

"One's actions ought to come out of achieved stillness: not to be a mere rushing on."

~D.H. Lawrence

Finding a calling in life...

What is truth?

that is the question that my english 102 professor asked us to answer for homework. the answer can be one to a million words, just as long as we bring something. it doesnt matter what its written on, a napkin, toilet paper...he doesnt care. last night, i found myself trying to answer this question with many words that sounded intelligent together. but, then i realized that the answer, my answer isnt something that has to be explained in many words, only one word will suffice. the answer is my GOD. when i finally realized that, i felt so stupid. here i was, sitting at the same desk i am now, and i was searching for the right answer to the one question that i should know instantly, but instead i chose to look in the wrong places. i felt horrible. i am asked to do bery few things for GOD, and i cant even remember his name as an answer to a question that i have been asked since childhood. my teacher said that he will be open to any answers, any beliefs that we have, but i wonder if he will be as open as he claims. in this class, we will discuss, philosophy, religion, politics...anything. i am so excited for this class. for the first time in my life, the things that i have prepared myself to say, will be used. i grew up knowing GOD to use him in this classroom setting. i am so thrilled and pumped. and i didnt realize this until last night, while i was laying in bed, praying. that all i have studied and prepared for is what i will say in this english 102 class. i hope that everybody in the class is prepared for what i have to bring to the table.

"Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and asl why not." -George Bernard Shaw

NOLA

i have just returned from one of the most beautiful places in the world.

but like most things that are beautiful on the outside, it has many scars on the inside.

it has been ripped and torn apart, but it steal remains in tact.

as a sort of beacon of hope that stands in the midst of a hopeless world.

it is full of flavor and stamina.

it is called New Orleans, home of the fleur di' lis, meaning "lacy flowers," refering to the lily.

i have been there once before, but i have never expericed the feel of the city as i have this past week.

i love it, the ancient houses, the liveliness of the french quarter.

the spicy taste of the food.

i love the country life, but the life in New Orleans fascinates me.

i am intrigued by their way of life.

its like time moves fast and slow at the same time there.

i dont really know how to explain it.

its just different, and i happen to enjoy the change.

<3

LOVE

i will not focus on what was, or what will be, instead i will set my gaze on what is. the present. it is happening now, all around me, in my midst. i do not pretend to know what is going on, i merely live in this crazy, mixed up world that i have been placed in. there is so much going on, i cannot decide on what to focus. the constant moving, the pace of the multitude as they pass me by. not even allowing me a second glance. i am alone, save for the being that lives inside me, the only truth that is in this place. yes, i do love this place that i am in, but that does not mean that i so not see it for what it really is. i see all the flaws and attributes. the good and the bad. but this world is not split into good and evil. we all have both light and darkness inside us. but that does not matter so much. what matters is which side we choose to abide in. being the kind of person we are is a choice that we are given. that is a great responsibility, but it is ours. we do not deserve this choice that we are allowed, but we have it. only because of the love that has been given us from GOD. "For GOD so loved the world, that He gave his only son, that whomsoever believeth in Him, shall not perish, but have everlasting life." -John 3:16

hope

Christmas break is here. for me at least. my exams were done yesterday and i am so glad that they are through, but i dont want to be here. in the middle of this. i feel like i am being beaten from both sides. surrounded and being closed in on by the second. any given moment, i will be engulfed in these waves crashing around me. slowly dragging me under. how can something so beautiful and perfect on the outside be so horrible on the inside. something so whole and complete is crumbling within. slowly but surely being taken away. soon to disappear from this place that we live in. it saddens me that the thing that once was wholesome and truthful is going away. my memories will be the only document. the only thing that can prove that this that is falling apart was once good and pure. but every now and then, i can see fleeting glimpses of the past, of what once was, and could be again. there is little hope, but hope still. and i will continue to have this hope, to have faith in what can be. i will always remain in faith, even though things seem so unlikely to happen, anything is possible... <3

complex elements

i am sitting in my room and my window is open, which just so happens to be right beside my desk. how ironic that the place i would rather be, is a place that i can always see, when im locked up in my room? yet, i am forced to sit here, to be civilized. the world right now is so mesmorizing. the wind, the rain, the thunder and lighting. i love it, all of it. the weather is wonderful. i have always loved it, ever since i was child. as i sit here listening to it, my mind wonders to many different subjects. it wonders because, when the earth is like this, i feel like its free. free from the strict routine of a daily schedule. this is the time that has no limits, knows no boundaries. there are no laws that can contrict its actions. the control goes to the hands of the one who made it. the one that controls all things. i love the weather, its unpredictable and mysterious. its all the things i would love to be that i am not. but i can sit here, and be intrigues by it, for that i am thankful. to be able to be apart of something so terrifyingly wonderful. i am also thankful for the position that my dorm is to the outside. i am on the fourth floor and i look down into a beautiful, ancient tree. the leaves continue to be green, even though its winter. no, it is not a one tree, but it is interesting how the leaves did not change with the rest. to use the corny phrase, maybe its a "late bloomer." i will keep a watch. the only bad thing about this weather, is that there are no stars. no light source, pitch black darkness. but even in the darkest of nights, one can always find light. <3

FEARLESS & LOVE

fearless.

the very word that i strive to be.

bold, brave, and without fear.

but i just realized that if i lived without fear, i wouldnt need GOD or people to be in my life.

i may live with fear, but i should never be afraid, because GOD is always there to hold me in his arms.

i miss the comfort i felt there.

i am still there, but i have loosened the grip of his arms on my life.

he will never let go, but i can stray away.

because i am weak.

so much weaker than he is, weak enough to walk away from he who loves me the most.

not only weak, but dumb, too.

but the thing is, he will always welcome me back no matter how dumb i can be.

i dont understand how some can live without ever knowing such a wonderful GOD.

what feels the void in their heart?

the vast, unknowing hole, that is always there.

i guess some try and feel the void with things of this world.

stupid, meaningless things, i know that ive done it, but never knowing the joy that i feel, its sad.

i cannot fully comprehend...

but that is why we are told to "go yee therefore..."

and i have tried, not hard enough, but that is a goal that i have.

to stop thinking only of my stupid self, and think of others in need of some love in their life.

everybody needs some love in their life, and if i can introduce it to somebody, then i feel that is a great accomplishment!!!

love to everybody <3

family, friends, and home

i am complete.
and i am only complete because i am where i am truly myself...home.
i have missed this place terribly.
maybe more than i ever realized.
maybe its something that i couldnt fully diagnos the depth of until actually being here.
being in this place.
while yes, this place is crazy, it is still my home.
here, it can never be fully quiet.
never fully still.
it is chaotic, but in this chaos that i call home, i can truly find peace.
a peace that isnt only my life, it is the very definition of my life.
a sort of haven in this mixed up world.
though sometimes more mixed up that the outside world could ever be, it is familiar.
a place that i can find answers to any questions that i am faced with.
a place that my heart will forever be.
it is not only a place full of family, but a place where special friends will always be waiting.
we will always meet here, the place that brought us together.
the place that holds our special bonds that we have, tight in its grasp.
as long as we meet here, we will always have each other, no matter where our adventures take us.
no matter where our desires roam, we will always be together, but apart.
i leave with a quote about friendship...
"When true friends meet in adverse hour;
'Tis like a sunbeam through a shower.
A watery way an instant seen,
The darkly closing clouds between."- Sir Walter Scott

Change...

"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future."

- John F. Kennedy

I am open to change. I used to be closed off to it, afraid somehow. Afraid of the differences that i would see in myself or others around me. I was afraid of the differences that others would see in me, as well. I feared the unknown, the unfamiliar. I have never voiced my fears before. But, now i can because these fears that once inhabited my body are no longer a reality. They are gone, blown away by a sudden mysterious confidence that came out of no where. The source of this so called confidence is undetermined. I will not seek out the orgin, but i will say thankyou. Thankyou for getting me to realize that no matter what happens, i am never truly alone, there is always someone with me that cares. And in this knowledge, i have come to realize that i should not hide from things that are to come. Things that will come, that cannot be stopped. For example, growing up. I have always wanted to stay a high schooler, but that was only because i did not know about certain things that would be waiting on me in college. I never wanted responsibility or independence. But now that its here, im not so closed off to it. While yes, there are certain aspects of growing up that arent so exciting, there are many many more good things that can come from the dreaded adult years. Life, and dare i say love. I have not found this love that others so frequently boast about, but i am hopeful that one day, i will experience it. Ive heard great things about it, things that im not sure that i am ready for, but then again, who am i to decide. It is not up to me. Maybe i am ready... i have always felt as though i were made to love and to be loved. I love the concept of love. And not only the romantic love, all kinds. I am built to love and i am full with compassion for others. I just dont know. I am now open to new experiences, to new concepts on most subjects, but there is one that i will continue to be steadfast about and that is of course Jesus Christ. Though i have decided to be open, i will never change my views on my Christian beliefs. From that belief stems my love for love and compassion. Without that, i would not be the person that i was made to be. And for that, i will always be grateful. I am now grateful for change, because like the quote from above, if i were not subject to change and i focused continually on the past and present, i could miss out on all the wonderful experiences in store for my future. Yes, i do realize that i have dug deep during this post, but i felt like i needed to say these things. Maybe for your benefit, but most definitely for my own. I feel so much better now. Thanks for reading, i love you.

if only...

if only there was a guy that could be my romeo...

i feel like im the only one that doesnt have one.

i keep waiting and waiting and im still waiting.

i hope that there is someone out there for me...

and the thing is, i really dont want to hear that i just need to be patient.

people keep telling me that he will get here, but what if he doesnt?

guys especially keep telling me that i wont be alone, that i will find someone.

what if im meant to be alone?

i dont want to be alone...

i dont think anybody really wants to be alone, but i guess it really doesnt matter what people want.

people just get what they are given, and i guess that i have to accept that.

but i wonder...

randomness...

hello.
it is really really cold outside and i absolutely love it!
this is what i call football weather...roll tide.
im so ready for the game, i just cant stand it.
im sitting here with stevi in my dorm room waiting on 4:00 to get here.
because thats when elephant stomp begins at 5:00. yay!!!
anyway, roll tide roll!!!
=]

If only it were this simple...

we were both young
when i first saw you
i close my eyes and the flashback starts
im standing there on a balcony of summer air see the lights,
see the party the ball gowns
i see you make your way through the crowd
you say hello little did i know
that you were romeo you were throwing pebbles
and my daddy said stay away from juliet
and i was crying on the staircase begging you please don’t go,
and i said romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
i’ll be waiting all theres left to do is run
you’ll be the prince and i’ll be the princess
its a love story baby just say yes
so i sneak out to the garden to see you
we keep quiet because we’re dead if they know
so close your eyes lets keep this down for a little while
cause you were romeo i was a scarlet letter
nd my daddy said stay away from juliet
but you were everything to me and i was begging you please don’t go
and i said romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
i’ll be waiting all theres left to do is run
you be the prince and i’ll be the princess
its a love story baby just say yes
romeo save me,
they try to tell me how to feel this love is difficult,
but its real don’t be afraid we’ll make it out of this mess
its a love story baby just say yes,
Oh, oh I got tired of waiting wondering if you were ever coming around
my faith in you was fading when i met you on the outskirts of town,
and I said romeo save me i’ve been feeling so alone
i keep waiting for you but you never come
is this in my head, i don’t know what to think
he knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said
marry me juliet you’ll never have to be alone
i love you and thats all I really know
i talked to your dad go pick out a white dress
its a love story baby just say yes
oh, oh, we were both young when i first saw you...

i have always been an optimistic person, but lately ive been a little pessimistic toward love. i know, i know, my time will come, right? but... what if it doesnt?
so, i am left wondering...

IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN

hello.

apparently the guy that i mentioned in my last post was nothing but a fluke. he doesnt like me, he just considers us to be friends, even though some of his texts made me believe otherwise. and i am not naive about such things. i dont know. tonight, i basically told him everything and he pretty much rejected it all. i feel betrayed and befuddled at the same time. who thought that to be possible? i certainly didnt. he apologized for leading me on, but i dont want an apology, i just want somebody to be there at a slightly deeper level than a friend or even a best friend. people keep saying that my time will come and that i just need to be patient, but i just feel like its not going to happen. i just dont know where to go from here.

and this week is just not a good week for gentlemen, because one of my best friends stevi and her boyfriend JD ended their relationship. correction: JD broke up with stevi because he is an asshole or to quote another friend, slum-ass. ha ha that word cracks me up. but anyway, this is a letter to all guys: be careful how you treat girls because karma is a bitch, believe me. and this is also a plea for all single gentlemen out there: take heed, there are several girls out there looking for you to be a great boyfriend to them. you just have to get off your lazy asses and do something about it. it is high past the time for you to stand up, and let all girls know that not all boys are assholes. sorry to get all preachy, but this is a matter that needed to be stated quickly and loudly. so boys: listen up.